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I'm not going to tell you how thrilled I am for the comeback of high-waisted jeans.

How many times in the past week I listened to the new Adele song.

That I can do 15 pushups.

I'm not going to tell you how proud I am of my son for talking shit about Trump on the playground.

How gratifying it is to watch my kids load the dishwasher without being asked.

How often I think of my daughter's birth: those first few moments, feeling her heart beating through her neck and fingertips and shins.

I'm not going to tell you how motherhood is the most fulfilling experience ever.

Instead, I'm going to tell you about the gutted feeling that washes over me when I sit in the car, flipping through social media apps on my phone, waiting for soccer practice to end.

How three times over the past month, I have given up on my messy house, my marriage, my book, my everything, driven to the mall, and bought grey sweaters for the California winter we will never have.

How I woke up last Monday to the W.H.O. news story about the possible connection between eating processed meats and cancer and immediately went out for a bacon cheeseburger.

I'm going to tell you how during a recent morning scramble, I yelled at my son with such intensity that he ran away and I thought he was gone forever.

That I cried during the school earthquake drill, imagining the chaos of the big one.

I'm going to tell you how sometimes my body feels completely turned off, done, retired.

I'm going to tell you how often I take a deep breath in order to stay at the table.

How often I bake cookies in order to stay awake.

How, as a parent, you never get to step back or unfurl or move on or detach.

I'm going to tell you about the homeless man I see every Tuesday afternoon next to the I-580 onramp who holds up the I will take anything you can give me sign, his sad drunken eyes boring so deeply into mine that I have to look away and pray for the light to change because I can't bear what I am thinking: he is somebody's child, he is somebody's child, oh fuck, he is somebody's child.

(Stuffed with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups)

(Stuffed with Junior Mints)

I have made these cookies six times in the past ten days. I have handed them out to women in bars, children in cars, friends at dinner parties. They are so fun to make, ridiculously sweet, and way over the top. They make people smile and grab and moan.

Sometimes a bit of candy escapes while they are baking. Don't panic. Just make sure to cool them on the sheet pan.

Don't overcook them or you will be sad. This happened with batch #3 and my daughter and I agreed that life is too short for dry, over-baked Nutella cookies. 

I have just started reading about Nutella and palm oil and deforestation. I wish I could tell you that these cookies work beautifully with other chocolate hazelnut spreads. But I haven't tested out any of them out. Please let me know if you make these cookies with a Nutella alternative. I am learning along with you.

CANDY-STUFFED NUTELLA SUGAR COOKIES 

printable recipe

makes 10 big cookies

My daughter found this recipe online last year. We have searched and searched but we can't find it again. I have modified it a bit, but, if it looks familiar, please let me know. I would love to give proper credit to the original recipe writer.

You can stuff these cookies with almost any kind of candy. Or nothing at all. On their own, they are crispy on the outside and gooey on the inside. But when you stuff them, they become mystery cookies. Here are a few ideas for the filling: 1/2 Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, 3 Junior Mints, 4 mini marshmallows, 1 Special Dark Hershey's chocolate bar. PLAY!!!

ingredients:

1  3/4 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon kosher salt

2 sticks unsalted butter (1 cup), soft

1/3 cup white sugar

1/2 cup dark brown sugar

3/4 cup Nutella, room temperature

1 egg

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

candy of your choice (see headnote for some ideas)

1/3 cup white sugar, for rolling cookies

directions:

Whisk together the flour, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

In a standing mixer (or by hand), cream the butter, white sugar, and brown sugar for two minutes on high speed. Scrape down the sides. Add Nutella and beat for another 20 seconds on medium speed. Scrape down the sides. Add the egg. Mix on medium for 5 seconds. Scrape down the sides. Add the vanilla and mix for another 5 seconds on medium speed. Scrape down the sides. Add 1/3 of the flour mixture and mix on low speed until almost all the flour in incorporated. Scrape down the sides. Add the second 1/3 of the flour mixture. Mix on low until almost all incorporated. Scrape down the sides. Add the final 1/3 of the flour mixture. MIx on low until the final traces of flour just disappear. Don't overmix! Chill the dough for an hour if you have time (not necessary but it will make the assembly a bit easier).

Preheat the oven to 375°F. Line 2 sheet pans with parchment paper or Silpats. Pour white sugar (for rolling) on a plate. Divide the dough into 10 equal-sized pieces (about 2  1/4 ounces each). Tear a ball of dough in half, press candy in the center, cover with other half of the dough, roll in your hands until you can't feel or see the candy filling. Roll the dough ball in the white sugar. Place on the sheet pan. They spread quite a bit so leave several inches between each cookie.

Bake for 7 minutes. They are done the moment the center melts and starts to settle down. Let the cookies cool a bit on the pan and firm up because if you move the cookies when they're too warm, the candy might ooze out the bottom. The cookies are best eaten within a few hours. They are also really good frozen (late at night with red wine).

If you freeze the baked cookies and then thaw them, they will still taste good but they will lose they're glorious crispness. A better option is to freeze the stuffed cookie dough balls after you have rolled them in sugar. Freeze the balls of dough up to 6 months in a Ziploc bag. When you bake off the frozen balls, you should turn the temperature down to 350°F and bake them for a few extra minutes.