HOW WE MEDITATE IN BERKELEY

Call out I'm massaging some kale, who wants to join me?

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Receive the very familiar rejection chorus of I'm doing my homework, I'm snuggling with the dog, I'm going to clean my room, I need to work on my screenplay.

Dodge a kiss from your husband because you don't remember the last time you brushed your teeth. Throw six anchovies into a hot cast iron pan. Thwack the garlic cloves off the microplane grater and watch them merge with the melting fishies. Scare your husband out of the kitchen by turning the radio to Ryan Seacrest's American Top 40. Whisk in dijon, olive oil, scrappily chopped shallots, and one two three big splashes of sherry wine vinegar. Drag your finger through the warm mix. Taste. Forget who you are, where you are, what you are.

Wipe the anchovy grease off the stove with a paper towel and toss it into the overflowing compost bin. Wash, dry, stack, chop the kale. Place in a large bowl. Drizzle with olive oil. 

Smell a fire. Wonder if someone is smoking outside your kitchen window. Imagine smoking your first cigarette in over 18 years. See yourself enjoying an 11 a.m. martini along with that cigarette. Shake shake shake that dream right on out of your head.

Start shifting the leaves between your fingertips.

Smell a fire. Worry that someone's house is burning down.

Squeeze and twist the leaves until they wilt down and explode in all their green glory. Know that you could do this all day long and be quite content.

Look up from the kale and realize that the fire is three feet in front of you in your own kitchen. Yell out unprintable words. Dump an entire box of baking soda on the flaming compost bin. Hide the smoking mess on the back porch. Hose it down.

Resume the massage. Hear a 5-year-old creature creeping up from behind. Spin around and scare your son by flashing oily green hands. Evade his questions about the smoky kitchen. Turn up the radio. Massage the kale in four-handed unison. Belt out I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart. Tell your son that kale has been as overplayed in 2013 as this song by The Lumineers. Realize that he has no idea what you're talking about.

Toss the kale with the warm vinaigrette. Turn the radio off. Invite your husband to step away from his screenplay and into the kitchen. Give him a deep anchovy-garlic-flavored kiss. Watch your son scrunch his face up in disgust. Feel happy that he's more grossed out by kisses than by kale.

Motherfucking om.

I've made 20 different kale salads over the past month. A few thoughts:

—I 've used many different kinds of kale. Dinosaur, curly, Siberian, and premier. All with great success.
— You don't have to destem the kale. But according to Dash, it's more enjoyable if you do because then you don't have to pick the stems out of your teeth. Up to you. But don't bother when the leaves are small and delicate.
—If you choose to massage your kale, it will wilt down to about 1/3 of the original amount. So buy a lot of kale!

— These greens will suck up anything you put on them. The dressing must be flavorful or your salad will be boring. High acid. Hella garlic. Generous amount of salt. After massaging with olive oil, you can toss the greens with fresh garlic, olive oil, salt, and lemon juice. Or you can get a bit more complicated and make a warm anchovy garlic vinaigrette (see recipe below). 

— Kale goes beautifully with squash, potatoes, citrus, nuts, cheese, bacon, lamb, chicken. So you can make a side salad or pile on the components and turn the situation into a full meal.

— You can mix the already massaged kale in with other greens such as cabbage, fennel, romaine.

— Once massaged, it holds up really well in the fridge for a few days.

Things to add to the massaged kale:

— Toasted almond, navel orange slices, blue cheese.
— Pine nuts, parmesan, pomegranate molasses, chopped parsley (see first photo below).
— Roasted butternut squash, roasted garlic, thick balsamic vinegar (see second photo below).
— Avocado, tangerine, walnuts.
— Manchego, apple, pecans.
— Balsamic-grilled peaches, goat cheese.
— Flank steak, grilled onions.
— Chicken, caramelized shallots, preserved lemons.

MASSAGED KALE SALAD WITH ANCHOVY GARLIC DRESSING
printable recipe
Here's a template. See above for some possible additions. Almost anything works with kale. It also tastes great very simply dressed.

ingredients:

6 anchovy fillets, packed in oil

3 cloves garlic, grated or very finely chopped
2 tablespoons sherry wine vinegar

1 shallot, chopped (about 1 tablespoon)

1 tablespoon dijon mustard

4-8 tablespoons olive oil (for dressing)

2 big bunches kale (any kind)

3-5 tablespoons olive oil (for massaging kale)

crunchy salt

directions:

Heat a pan on medium heat (I use cast iron for this recipe). Add anchovies. Use a spatula or wooden spoon to help them disintegrate. Once they're a paste, turn heat to low heat and add grated garlic. Cook for about 30 seconds until the garlic smells sweet and fragrant. Whisk in vinegar.  Add shallots and cook for about 30 seconds. Take off the heat. Whisk in mustard. Slowly whisk in half of the olive oil. Taste. Add more olive oil if it's too tangy. 

With a knife or your fingers, strip kale leaves away from the stems. Save stems for vegetable stock or a gratin. Stack leaves. Chop into 2" slices. Wash. Dry. Place kale in a large bowl. Drizzle over a few tablespoons of olive oil. Massage for about 5 minutes. It will wilt down and soften quite a bit. 

Add big pinch of crunchy salt. Drizzle with a few tablespoons of anchovy vinaigrette. Toss. Taste. Let sit for 20 minutes. Taste again. You'll probably need to add a bit more dressing. Serve like this. Or toss with pretty much any meat, poultry, nuts, cheese, or fruit. See options above.

Once massaged, you can refrigerate the kale for a few days and the texture will remain the same. But don't add the vinaigrette until the day you're going to eat the kale.

GARLIC BABIES

I hike Dash up on my hip, forearm in line with his thoracic spine, fingers lengthening up his neck and into his hair.

Bust apart 3 heads of garlic. It works well to press down on a bulb with your body weight, one palm on top of the other. It's okay if some of the cloves cling together in bunches of 2 or 3.

His legs dangle all the way down to my knees. Swing. Kick. Kick.

Every now and then a clove will explode in the hot oil and shoot up towards the ceiling. To prevent this, poke a tiny hole in each clove with the tip of a paring knife.

I nuzzle my nose into his hair and say, "I think you grew again. How did this happen?"

Place the unpeeled cloves in a large pot and cover with olive oil. You can add extras like salt, a sprig of thyme, or a rosemary branch. Or not.

Dash sighs. He can't believe he has to explain this growing up thing to me again. "Sleep. Food. Sleep. Food. Sleep. THAT'S how it happens, mama."

Or maybe it's all the garlic. I don't know how to cook without it. My children are composed of garlic.

Place pot on the back burner. Bring to the boil.  Do NOT get your face (or your child's) anywhere near the pot. 

I peel Dash off my body and secure him on a stool. We lean forward and peer into a pot that's cooling on the chopping block.

The oil will sputter, so reduce the heat to low the moment it boils.

"Dashi. What is this?"

"Octopus?" he smiles, very pleased with his joke.

"Nope, crazyhead. Not octopus."

Gently simmer the cloves.

"Hm, mama. Let me think. Is it garlic con-FEE?"

Check on the cloves after 20 minutes (scoop one out with a spoon and pierce it with a paring knife). 

"Dashi. What does confit mean?"

"FAT."

"My love, what if we you cooked YOU in fat?"

"But you love me so much you don't want to get me in confit."

The cloves should be soft all the way through, like plump and oily pillows.

"I think you would be delicious that way."

Cool to room temperature.

"Mama, I would tip the oil on the ground, run, and hide. Maybe outside." 

"Dash, what else can we confit?"

You can suck the cooked garlic right out of the skins.

"Animals?"

You can squirt the contents of a few cloves onto grilled bread.

"Yup. Like duck or lamb."

Use the creamy garlic as a base for salad dressing (pestled with anchovy into a paste).

"But, mama, can I shoot the animals first? Can we do that?"

Or mix it with fresh herbs and goat cheese as a topping for lamb chops.

Guns.

The surrounding oil can be used in almost everything.

Lung capacity breath. I get so pissed off when I talk about guns.  Or I start to cry. 

Drizzle it over pizza. Or make a Garlic Confit, Parsley, and Almond Pesto.

The next breath I take is so deep that it lifts and spreads my collarbones.

The cloves (with skins on) and oil will keep in the fridge for a few weeks. Make sure all the cloves are covered with oil.  

Killing a duck and then eating it for dinner? "Okay, Dash. I'm open to that."

"Okay, mama."

THREE THINGS TO DO WITH GARLIC CONFIT (AND ITS SURROUNDING OIL):

1. Corn, Cherry Tomato, Arugula, and Spinach Salad: Cut two ears of corn off the cob. Halve a handful of cherry tomatoes. Heat a skillet. Add 2 tablespoons of garlic confit oil until hot. Toss in corn, tomatoes, and a pinch of salt.  Add 1 tablespoon sherry wine vinegar and big squeeze of lemon. Stir over high heat for 10 seconds. Pour over a big bowl of baby spinach and arugula. Toss. (Optional addition: circle salad with Bacon-Wrapped Figs Stuffed with Goat Cheese.)

2. Garlic Confit Vinaigrette: Mash two of the confited garlic cloves and one anchovy fillet with a mortar and pestle. Add one chopped shallot. Top with 3 tablespoons of a combination lemon juice, white wine vinegar, and sherry wine vinegar. Macerate for 10 minutes. Whisk in 2 teaspoons of dijon mustard. Drop by drop whisk in 6 tablespoons of olive oil (or a combo of olive oil and garlic confit oil). Taste. Adjust. 

3. Lime Potatoes with Poached Eggs: Preheat oven to 375°F. Peel and quarter 12-16 large yukon gold potatoes. Coat with lots of salt, pepper, lime zest, lime juice, and 4 tablespoons garlic confit oil. Place in a pot with a lid or wrap in tin foil. Throw in a few chunks of butter, the juiced lime bodies and some cloves of the confited garlic. Bake 30-45 minutes (stir and check after 20 minutes so bottom potatoes don't burn). Test with a paring knife for doneness (the knife should slip right in). Remove lime bodies. Serve with poached eggs, grated monterey jack cheese, chopped cilantro, sour cream, and hot sauce.

GARLIC CONFIT

Break apart a few heads of garlic. It's okay to have bunches of 2 or 3 cloves. Poke a tiny hole in each clove to prevent the cloves from exploding. Place unpeeled cloves in a deep pot and cover with olive oil. Add pinch of salt and herbs if you desire (sprig of thyme or branch of rosemary). Bring to the boil. Reduce heat right away to prevent spattering. Place on the back burner and don't get your face anywhere near the pot. Simmer until garlic is cooked through, soft, and creamy (20-30 minutes). Cool to room temperature. You can keep the cloves (with skins on) and oil for a few weeks in the fridge. Make sure cloves are covered with oil. Add more oil if you need to. Scoop out oil as needed. Squeeze garlic out of the skins as needed.

PORCINE DEPENDENCE (LARD PART ONE)

Fall. Sick kids. Sleep deprivation. I just need a little help to keep me going. 

Dash is my enabler. He pours the half and half into my coffee, hands me my yoga mat, and takes the wine out of the fridge. 

Sometimes he gets a little confused. Last week, I woke up to find Dash in the kitchen with a wine opener in his hand. "Dash. Put away the wine opener. It's breakfast time. Seriously. Put it down." He started to cry. "Please put down the wine opener. Let's cook." 

 "Okay, mama." He yanked open the fridge. "Here's your lard." He's aware of all my addictions.

We scrounged through the cupboards and found Yukon gold potatoes, onions, garlic, and one beautiful winter squash. We started prepping without a plan. This is not my usual style. And with kids, it's not always recommended.

We started with the potatoes. Dash is a kinesthetic learner. His entry into any cooking project is to place his hand on the cook's wrist––be it Bella's, or the babysitter's, or mine. He FEELS how we peel, or slice, or whisk. It's also a very safe way for Dash to participate in the kitchen.

Dash held on to my husband's wrist as he peeled potatoes. And then SPLASH they went into the cold salty water.

Then he wanted to peel on his own. "I got it, daddy, I got it. BY MYSELF!"

Dash sighed after we drained the cooked potatoes. "But what are we making, mama? What's the RE-CI-PE?" He wasn't feeling grounded. We agreed on a Warm Potato and Winter Squash Salad with Roasted Garlic and Caramelized Onion and Lard Vinaigrette.

Button-up shirts make Dash tense. He climbed off his stool and disappeared into his room. Costume change. Then on to the onions. 

Dash has this onion-peeling technique in which he cranks his head as far away as possible from the onion. But he still cries, wipes his eyes with onion juice, and then cries some more. Then he starts the routine all over again.

"Mama, the knife isn't cutting so well." It's true that he was mangling the onions.

 It was was time to introduce Dash to the steel.

Unless your three-year old is a certified ninja, don't let let him hone a chef knife. It's much much safer to practice finding just the right angle with a plastic knife.

It was time to scoop the lard. Dash wanted to take a huge bite of the creamy white substance. It reminded me of the time Bella saw a scoop of vibrant green wasabi and almost put the whole thing in her mouth.

"Can I try it, mama?" asked Dash. "Lard looks like ice cream."
"Fine," I said. "Try it."

He liked it. Of course. But he also made the face my dog makes when I give him peanut butter. 

We agreed that there is nothing better than the smell of onions cooking in lard. We whisked vinegar, mustard, and olive oil into the caramelized onions. The dressing was done.

One last step. I had Dash put balsamic vinegar, olive oil, whole garlic cloves, salt, and pepper into the squash halves. I can't believe I let him pour this super expensive thick balsamic in without some help. But he did it with such care.

We threw the squash into the oven, lounged on the sofa, and talked about how batman carries a little baby batman around in his pouch when he saves the day. Big mistake for me to recline. My sleep-deprived mind went blank. I kept thinking, "What's that sweet garlicky smell? I want what my neighbors are cooking." Turns out we were the ones cooking. This is when when my husband told me it was not safe for me to drive the children around in a car.

But we didn't burn down the house. And we made up a new salad. And it was no longer morning.

"Dash, you can open the wine now."

A BIT ABOUT LARD:
This fall, almost every Bay Area restaurant menu has a dish made with lard, lardum, laridum, lardo, larduri or saindoux. Whatever you want to call it, it's way tasty pork fat in its rendered and unrendered forms. People are using it like it's something new when in fact it's been around forever. Some people just gave it a bad rap sometime last century.

In its rendered form it's called lard. You can use it to cook eggs, onions, and even meat or fish. It's got a bit less saturated fat than butter. It coats your tongue in a different way than other oils (a bit thicker). And the smoking point is higher than butter and extra virgin olive oil. Get it from a great butcher or a local farm and make sure it's unhydrogenated and without additives or bleach.  The kind of lard you want to buy must be refrigerated.

I've heard that leaf lard is the best for pastry because it creates a flaky crust and imparts a subtle flavor. Regular lard is rendered from many different parts of the pig while leaf lard is just from around the kidney area.

In its unrendered and cured form it's called lardo. You can sear it and serve it with salad or some poached winter fruit. Or place thin slices on top of pizza. Or wrap fish in it. Endless possibilities. It melts in your mouth.

This lard post is just the beginning for me. I've discovered a whole new world. Lard Part Two (double-lard pie crust) and Part Three (playing with lardo) are coming after Thanksgiving.

WARM POTATO AND WINTER SQUASH SALAD WITH ROASTED GARLIC AND CARAMELIZED ONION VINAIGRETTE
printable recipe

-This salad would be delicious served on a bed of frissée salad with crispy lardons.

-Get the squash in the oven before starting the dressing. Cook the potatoes while the onions are caramelizing.
serves 4 as a side dish

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for the squash:

1 small winter squash

salt

pepper

8 cloves unpeeled garlic

2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

2 tablespoons olive oil

Preheat oven to 350° F. Cut squash in half. Place halves cut side up on a baking sheet. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Distribute garlic, vinegar, and olive oil between the two halves. Cover with tin foil. Bake until very tender, gooey, and almost caramelized. At least an hour. Maybe more. Set aside and keep covered while cooking potatoes and dressing.

for the dressing:

2 yellow onions, peeled and diced

2 tablespoon lard (or olive oil)

salt

pepper

sprig of thyme

1 tablespoon sherry wine vinegar

2 teaspoons dijon mustard

2 tablespoons olive oil

Heat a sauté pan to medium heat. Add lard and let melt. Add onions, salt, pepper, and thyme. Stir occasionally. Don't let the onions brown. Once they're translucent, cover pan with a lid and turn heat down to low. Stir every 10 minutes or so. Make sure the onions don't brown. After about 45 minutes, remove the lid and burn off the excess liquid on medium heat. Add vinegar and cook for one minute. Turn off the heat. Whisk in mustard. Slowly whisk in some olive oil. Taste. If too acidic,  add more olive oi.

for the potatoes:

12 medium-sized yukon gold potatoes

1 tablespoon salt

Fill a large pot with cold water. Add salt. Peel potatoes and place them in the cold salty water right after you peel them. Bring to a boil. Turn down to a simmer. Check for to see if they are done by inserting the tip of a knife. They're done when there is no resistance (about 25-30 minutes). Or just cut one open and taste. Drain, cover, and set aside until the dressing is ready.

salad assembly:

crunchy salt

pepper

handful of parsley leaves, coarsley chopped

Slice potatoes and place in a bowl.  Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Pour over a few tablespoons of dressing. Mix gently with your fingers. With a teaspoon, gently scoop out the cooked squash flesh and place scoops all over the dressed potatoes. Drizzle over more dressing. Garnish with roasted garlic and parsley. Serve immediately.